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2015上海黃浦區(qū)中考一模作文范文
Ø 昂立中考名師李少白老師范文
I’m not a coward girl any more
How time flies. After three years gains with pains in junior high school, now I’m so proud that I’m not a coward girl any more.①
Still I remember the first PE lesson when I stood alone in the playground, not daring to② come towards anybody to play with them. I was so coward! That night, Mum encouraged me to greet everyone the next day. Hard as it was to me, ③I tried and got warm responses surprisingly! From then on, I always remind myself not to think negatively before I try. ④Like magic, my courage has brought me good friends, third prize on Campus Speech Contest and even a chance to give a speech in Shanghai Children’s Art
Center!
With the courage, I’m confident to greet the challenge ahead in life.⑤ (117)
Ø 內(nèi)容分析
本篇開放話題，寫一下自己成長(zhǎng)進(jìn)步的故事。類似話題同學(xué)們應(yīng)該非常熟悉，如2005年中考作文"Growing pains and gains”，2010年中考作文"I am proud of myself’’, 以及我們中考沖刺班上寫過的題目 “I’d like to say goodbye to…. ”。例子應(yīng)該不難想，如何用清晰簡(jiǎn)練的語(yǔ)言將成長(zhǎng)經(jīng)歷記敘清楚并得出有意義的結(jié)論才是重點(diǎn)。所以語(yǔ)言組織上需多斟酌。
Ø 精彩亮點(diǎn)分析
l 亮點(diǎn)一： 首段感嘆句+表語(yǔ)從句，精干開場(chǎng)點(diǎn)題。
l 亮點(diǎn)二：現(xiàn)在分詞not daring(不敢)，一句話說清楚當(dāng)年是如何coward(膽小)的。
l 亮點(diǎn)三：Hard as it was to me as引導(dǎo)讓步狀語(yǔ)從句倒裝句，強(qiáng)調(diào)勇敢邁出第一步對(duì)于我之難!
l 亮點(diǎn)四：善用before狀語(yǔ)從句,表達(dá)能更地道。
l 亮點(diǎn)五：從coward到confident,一句話點(diǎn)明對(duì)我的積極影響，升華主題。
l 亮點(diǎn)六：文中一些小詞如come towards, like magic, ahead等的準(zhǔn)確添加讓傳情達(dá)意更進(jìn)準(zhǔn)。